As an intensely private person I never thought I’d be blogging about this subject, but here I am. Around a month ago I came to a revelation. I have Asperger’s Syndrome. This has left me reeling to say the least. It’s like discovering I’ve not been alone all my life. So many events in my life suddenly make sense.
So far I’m self diagnosed. I have started the process to be professionally diagnosed. I already know the results.
I’ve always said that to truly deal with any problem (for want of a better word) you have to first see it for what it is; not what you’d prefer it to be.
I don’t see this as a bad thing. I can do some things better than many. I simply have to manage my environment to minimise the things that will push me into the zone. I know myself better now than most people will ever know themselves.
I now know that the work environment I am in is incompatible with me. I work in a busy call centre. The background ambience lays seige on my brain. Fast moving and agile are not usually terms associated with large companies, Sky are both. The pace of change constantly drains me.
As an employer, I’d recommend them to people who thrive in that type of environment.
I now know that I need a quieter, small company environment. I need a job that plays to my considerable strengths. I am hyper focussed on subjects. I can think many layers deep to see solutions that most people wouldn’t. I love to learn. I learn for fun. I need somewhere I can build knowledge and experience.
The challenge now is to find a compatible job to move to, while avoiding or minimising unemployment. As a result of this revelation my standards have slipped. I hold myself to high standards. I want to treat people right. I am on holiday this week. If I can get my head right, this will hopefully be doable. I’ll know more when I go back. If I can’t do it, the right thing to do will be to resign.
The way things are going, I’m heading for the sack. I’ve simply not been performing up to standard. Sky are excellent in terms of improving their people. In my case it’s the environment being incompatible with me. That’s not going to magically change. Sky have been good to me. They gave me a second life. I’m not going to dishonour that by clinging on if I can’t do the job.
In addition to it being a matter of integrity, if my brain is constantly under seige I have little chance of finding another job. Stepping back to step forward may be the best option.
This blog is therapy in part. Stay tuned.